Why Ruby's Crying
It's not ALL because of depression
Hello lover,
Last year, I went off my anti-anxiety/anti-depressant medication. To be fully transparent and TMI, I couldn’t live with not having orgasms anymore and that is one of the side effects of the meds I was on. But as you might suspect, when you are a depressed person who goes off her depression meds, you get depressed! One of the side effects of that is, I cry a lot.
Don’t worry though! After a lot of gentle prodding by my doctor, we found a new medication that helps with my depression and anxiety (and without that one specific side effect, in case you were wondering).
Though I am not crying as much as I was, I still cry! In fact, I’ve cried quite a bit recently, so I thought I’d write about it. Don’t worry, this isn’t all about depression. I promise I have more range than that!
Why Ruby Is Crying Reason #1: I cried because one of my favourite baseball players, Davis Schneider, got sent down.1 Davis “Babe” Schneider is a Toronto Blue Jay. He has a beautiful moustache and his walk-up song is Pink Pony Club by Chappell Roan. He’s great on the infield AND the outfield. He’s known for some pretty epic homers and he has an almost supernatural feel for the strike zone.2 He’s also struggled a lot at the plate this year. His strikeouts are on the rise and so he was sent down earlier this week.
I know what you’re thinking. Ruby, this is a baseball player, not your friend. He’s a MAN for fuck’s sakes! And yes, I get it. It’s so embarrassing to cry about baseball at all, let alone MEN’S BASEBALL. But the thing I love about Babe is how hard he works. This isn’t the first time he’s been sent down. It’s happened in year’s past. But he's a grinder. He struggles, he makes adjustments, and he fails. But he never stops working. When you watch someone struggle and succeed and struggle some more over three or four seasons, you want it to stick for them. And I guess also you cry for them, too.
For whatever reason3 it breaks my heart to think that some fair weather fan will see that he’s been sent down and think it’s because he’s a “bad ballplayer”, when it’s far more nuanced then that. They won’t see the guy who homered in his debut in the major leagues. They won’t see a guy who is happy to celebrate with his team, but hates when the spotlight is turned on him. They won’t see a guy who’s a fierce advocate for Narcan access after his older brother died of an overdose.
It wasn’t a surprise when Davis was sent down; we all knew it was coming. And knowing Davis and the hard worker that he is, he will undoubtedly be back, hopefully sooner than later. But the night he got sent down, despite the rule that there is no crying in baseball, I cried in bed to my husband. I acknowledged how absolutely absurd it was for me to be crying. But that’s the thing about feelings. Feelings are like honey badgers, they just don’t give a damn.
Why Ruby Is Crying Reason #2: I cried because I watched Project Hail Mary. I don’t think I need to say more.
Why Ruby Is Crying Reason #3: I cried because I was looking at photos of my daughter after she went to bed. Last week was her birthday and I got caught up looking at her baby pictures, when she was still pink and the newest she would ever be. I got lost in the pudgiest cheeks of toddlerhood, the sweet voice in videos with words only her father and I could understand. My baby is getting so big. She’s tall. She has opinions about hairstyles. She does NOT want my help, but she also really does want my help, it really depends on the situation, but most importantly I should NEVER offer to help and also I should read her mind when she wants help and to do otherwise is actually quite offensive to her culture!!!
I love thinking about the person she is still becoming, the infinite roads laid ahead of her, all the ways she will succeed, fail, and learn. I am so lucky to be a guest on her journey but oh do I miss the little baby she was. Oh, do I long to be nap trapped, to hear first attempts at first words, yes, even to have to ask again, “are you pooping?”.
I long for it so much, I cried. Sue me.
Why Ruby Is Crying Reason #4: I cried because I thought I lost my emotional support water bottle. But I found it. Thank god.
Why Ruby Is Crying Reason #5: I cried thinking about how when I was on my old anti-anxiety/depression meds, they made me so numb, it made it hard to cry. And it wasn’t until getting off the meds and finding new meds that I realized how much I actually love crying. I don’t always love my reasons for crying (#1 is mildly embarrassing), but I love that I am connected enough with my body to do it, to be able to express my emotions physically. I am grateful for new meds that don’t make me so numb and for the catharsis tears provide.
Ok, now that the crying is over, here’s the part where I sell to you (and make myself cry because book marketing is the FUCKING WORST and I am so sorry I have to do it to you).
As you may know, I have moved my indies off KU. The Match Faker and Most Likely to Match are now available on Kobo, Kobo+, and Apple Books, as well as still on Amazon in e-book and in print.
This move may not be permanent! I am just trying to figure out what platforms suit me best as I try to make a go at being an author.
But your support, whether through purchasing my books, borrowing from the library, or leaving reviews for my books, is TRULY so appreciated. I hope I can continue to provide words for you to enjoy. I am working every day to continue to keep this dream my reality and I am so lucky to have you as a reader.
Honestly, it makes me cry.
xo, Rubes
If you don’t know ball, being “sent down” means the major league team has sent you to play for the minor league team so that they could replace you with, presumably, a “better” player.
If this is getting confusing, and you want me to explain what it means, I will, I just didn’t want to make this newsletter TOO much about baseball.
cough parasocial reasons
I love this article. I was gutted to find out about mustache man, and it was right after I found out his brother had died. I mean c'mon. Separating him from Ernie is also devastating...
I also write and try to create scenes that force me to cry. And I love it. I feel like I am so accomplished but only when that happens. Thanks for normalizing tears :)
Knowing Davis is already hitting so well down in triple A makes me so happy cause I need the roomies together at all times.